Can I just say that? Can I just take a moment to appreciate the wonder that is this huge song that’s trending on TikTok? It can apply to so many different situations, but I find it relates so heavily to myself.

In this post, I plan to bitch and whine about my life and how it could have been and wasted potential and all that fun jazz.

Trigger warnings/content warnings because apparently, I can’t share about my life without mentioning the hard shit. Mentions and talking about suicide, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. I will try to warn you before I dive too deep into any of the topics. Please take care of yourself. ❤️

Hi. First off, if you don’t know me, hi! I’m Z. This newsletter is called ZeeJay Unhinged. ZJ is my initials, but I just spelled it out. I added the unhinged because I don’t want people to get the wrong idea. Me? Hinged? Never. Never that. And never in this newsletter because where’s the fun in that?

Anyway, now that you know me better, let’s talk about the shell of a person I have become.

I know a lot of people say they are still stuck in 2020, but it rings especially true for me. I am stuck in that 2020-person mindset. I can’t imagine time passing after that time. I don’t even comprehend or process the fact that it’s 2025, I graduated high school and am now a legal adult. That’s all just warped to me.

The fact that I didn’t immediately go to college. Baffling to 2020 me. Insane even.

Before 2020, I was a straight A student. I was in Beta Club a couple years in like 5th or 6th grade. Teachers adored me. I never got in trouble. I was a popular girl and had a bunch of friends. I was also a floater, which means that I was able to fit in with a bunch of different friend groups all at once. I was also a mean girl at times and got called to the counselors’ office a few times (with my friend group at the time) due to “drama”.

If you ask me, small towns are so ass because why do the teachers think they can tell you who to be friends with just because “y’all have been friends since elementary!” Okay? And? They’re still bitches. Who I don’t want to be friends with at the moment. But do they care? Nope! Honestly, very unprofessional of them.

Anyway, I was a star pupil and student. 2020 hit. That all went flying out the window, along with my sanity. And my entire being.

Now, 2020 was an…interesting year to say the least. I went through a couple phases. Obsessed with everything to do with the After-fandom phase. Wattpad phase. Holy Christian homophobic bitch phase. Yeah, that’s all within 12 months. Yikes, right?

School was set to start in August of 2020. For some reason, I didn’t want to go back. I don’t really remember this decision at all, but I just knew you couldn’t force me to go back to school. (Oh, you know what, it’s because it was high school. It was a new school. I didn’t want to start it like that.) I was also a pretty damn shy person. I was scared to start a new school and have to navigate to classes in an unknown building.

So, I stayed online. I tried keeping touch with my friends, but then I realized, why am I the one putting in all the work? Why do I always have to text first and start the conversations and keep them going? It was exhausting! And keep in mind, I had friends! Lots! I reconnected with my childhood best friends in that last year of middle school. I met new friends and got close with them as well.

However, they weren’t lying when they said high school changes people. It sure did change all of my friends. Or maybe they were the same people, and I just didn’t like who they were anymore. I don’t know.

Anyway, Covid was still bad at this point. Did my friends care? Nope. They still wanted to hang out and go do things. It was honestly so fucking stupid because phones exist. Technology exists. I know it’s not the same as in-person connection but God, people were dying! DYING! And they’re worried about hanging out with each other over the weekend when they still saw each other at school! It was just so icky to me.

Of course, my only friend that was still close to me would get mad that I never wanted to hang out. It really wasn’t like that at all. I just…couldn’t. I was in such a bad place mentally in 2020, and also gained weight, which made me slightly suicidal. It didn’t help that my family was making fun of me and my clothes didn’t fit anymore. (I was always called a twig growing up and told that I was so skinny by family members, so gaining weight to where it was noticeable to my family really drove me to the edge).

The crisis text line was definitely getting their work in with me in 2020. I think the first time I texted them was in July of 2020, when I was talking about a close friend who vented to me about something, and it made me extremely sad and left out from their lives in a way? I somehow found a way to make their tragedy and mental instability about me! Reading back over the messages I sent to the crisis line makes me sick. I sounded SO selfish. Ew!

But I love that I have the messages from the crisis line because it helps me connect the dots of my mental state back then.

It’s funny (to me) because I never ever thought about killing myself or even remotely hurting myself until I saw it from a close person to me. Now their story isn’t mine to tell, and I don’t blame them for making me think these things, I just really understand now that the people you hang around really impact you. In bad and good ways.

I texted the crisis line in July about trivial things like how my friends are so different from me and judgmental and gossip too much. Like? Talk about over dramatic I swear!!! I want to slap that version of myself.

Now, fast forward to November 2020. I was still practicing Christianity and think I had my Instagram page about that too (bad times I tell y’all). I watched a guy jump off a bridge and survive, but I cried and reacted to it really bad. Which, I think is a valid reaction? But little old me? Back in 2020? Thought that crying over that video made me suicidal. El oh el!!! Talk about making EVERYTHING about HER! Gross. Really.

I always texted the line, when they asked the mandatory question of, “are you having thoughts of suicide”, no. No was always my answer. Never thought about it. Never had any sort of plan. Never thought of a weapon or place to do it at. Self-harm was a different beast. That seemed like a thing everyone did, and I remember telling them that sometimes I had the urge to hurt myself but know I never would cause I was too much of a wuss for that. A scaredy cat. I thought you had to have a real bravery to hurt yourself to the point where you were bleeding and left a scar of some sort.

Not that I didn’t have my fair share of sharp objects! Nail files. Scissors. Etc. Not the point, but anyway.

But the end of my first semester of high school, I was beat. The ZeeJay of January 2020 was NOT the ZeeJay of December 2020. It’s insane what a global pandemic and shitty friends can do to you within a couple months.

This was the beginning of the end for me. My grades dropped. I got my first B, I think in this grade. I even got a C in some science course, but I don’t remember if it was freshman or sophomore year.

Now, January 2021. The high school principal was literally forcing everyone to go back to school. No more online. You HAVE to face the waters. I didn’t mention this before, but I was (and still am) a naturally shy person. The thought of me going back to a new school with some new kids and friends I didn’t talk to anymore? Fucking terrifying. I did the sensible thing and told my mother I wasn’t going back.

Remember, small town? Of course, she knew the principal at the time, and he let us (my sister and I) stay online. Yay rejoice! Now, that didn’t help my grades. By this point, I was over school. High school wasn’t for me, I decided.

All my supposed friends? While I was doing online school and staying home? They were out getting drunk, doing drugs, and partying. Now, I wasn’t necessarily jealous of them because I had no interest in any of that bullshit. Especially as a 14-year-old, like what? Y’all have a benchmark tomorrow, what are y’all doing getting freaky at a party? Hello? Parents exist, no?

The teachers that year should’ve just quit. They did not give a flying fuck about teaching the kids, in person, but especially online. It was shit.

I’m glad we begged our mom to do a real online school program and got the fuck away from that shitty school district. Summer passed and I started my sophomore year with a new online school program. I did three years with them and realized how easy it was to cheat. Too easy. I did try, at first, but I also got a job in the fall of 2022, so I just stopped trying so hard when I didn’t need to.

My mom didn’t give a flying fuck at this point. I don’t know if she was working from home or what, but she has never been one of those helicopter parents making sure their kids did their homework. It was me who was putting the pressure on myself, but then suddenly…. I wasn’t. I didn’t care anymore.

I walked away from Christianity (thank all the goddesses and witches and anything BUT the Christian god sorry), in 2021/2022, I think. Then tried to figure out my sexuality and put myself into even more boxes. It was rough times I swear.

I did have goals though. I wasn’t sure what I was landing on for careers in the future. I juggled with an ASL interpreter, then a Speech Language Pathologist, then wanted to be a teacher of sorts.

There was a good time there that I was going to do college and do community then transfer. I was applying to scholarships like a maniac. Researching. Etc. It all faded. I was drying up and losing all my motivation.

How was I going to do college if we didn’t have money? I didn’t have a car. Shit, I didn’t even have a fucking license. Never was interested in it. All my classmates were getting cars and driving. Me? Nope. Can’t do that. Then it would mean that we actually aged and turned 16 and were teenagers and were growing up.

Oh, did I not mention? My biggest fear in the whole wide world? Since I was a child? Growing up! YES!!!! That’s my biggest fear! Still! Embarrassing right? That’s such a little kid fear, right? Wrong. I’m an adult and I still fear growing up. That’s why I’m stunted in a way.

If I do anything remotely close to growing up, I will combust. My first job made me cry. Cause guess who had jobs? Adults! Grown folks who had bills and did taxes and all that! Me? A child? Getting a job? What did that mean?

Anyway, I graduated a semester early, so I was done with high school before my ex-classmates IRL were. I was thinking of starting college in the spring but then was like no way! I needed a break.

Somewhere in early 2024, I said I didn’t want to go to college, and it broke little me’s heart a little bit. Or a lot. I was overwhelmed and cried, but ultimately, I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t (and still don’t) think I’m capable of passing college. It’s not like anyone in my immediate family has succeeded. And not for lack of trying. It’s just…not in the cards for us. I figure, why waste money? And the jobs I want to do? Pay. Like. Shit.

I have always only wanted to do a job that helped people in some way. Made an impact in the world. Work with kids. Or pets. Being a vet took too long. Teachers don’t get paid enough. It’s always a lose-lose situation for me.

I just knew I never wanted to have a job that I didn’t enjoy that paid good. I just can’t work somewhere where I’m unhappy. I just…CANT. My body, my brain, my mind won’t let me. I HAVE to work somewhere that makes me happy. The pay? Irrelevant. (But sadly, has to be relevant in the fucking economy we are in today).

It broke me a little bit more seeing all the posts my classmates made on their acceptances to these huge colleges. But guess what they had that I didn’t! Scholarships. Money. White parents who can afford everything and anything they wanted. It made me sick. And envious.

It wasn’t fair. My mom, who worked as hard as she could and had multiple jobs at a time. Me who couldn’t get financial aid. Or scholarships. It just pissed me off so bad.

So no, it wasn’t a small thing that happened, classmates. Covid was huge. It impacted me a lot. Getting ignored was huge. Losing my friends? Huge. Huge for a new teenager going into high school.

The world ended for me in 2020, and I haven’t been able to live again. I don’t think I ever will. A large part of me died in 2020. I often, if not all the time wonder if I am truly wasting time. What the fuck am I doing right now, I ask myself. Why didn’t I apply to college and go to college that fall? Now I’m almost a year behind. Now I’m stuck. Why didn’t everyone else get stuck? Why did everyone move on so fast? What did I miss?

I picture all of my classmates living their best lives now and all of their high school years during the “I have a feeling you got everything you wanted” part of the song. Because they did. They got the high school experience. They got the romantic relationships and friendships. They got everything. Literally everything.

They’re not wasting time stuck here like me. Like me, not going to college. Unemployed now looking for work. Going broke paying a car I don’t even drive. Being stuck because I can’t drive. I get in a car and just can’t drive. But that’s a story for another time. The point is, I hate everything and everyone for moving on from 2020 so fast. It’s not fair.

I’m just dramatic, I know. We know this by now. Unhinged we said. I wasn’t going to hold back. That’s boring. I want you to know my lore, even though you hardly know me. Barely. Just grazed the surface of who I am and why I am the way I am. But alas. This is the end.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to accept that people move on and change and grow up. I just wish I could have had more help with the brutal year of 2020. I didn’t reach out for help, and I wish I would’ve. I wish a lot of things. But wishing doesn’t change the past. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing with my life at the moment. It’s a black tunnel with no light when I try to look at my future. It’s not as bleak as it sounds, I promise.

I just need to find a flashlight or something. Then I can see what I want to see.

Maybe this makes sense. Maybe it deserved to stay in my head. I don’t know. I just know I cried writing this, so I want to make someone else cry. (Cry for the girl that died in 2020 please and thank you).

If you read all the way down here, goddamn you deserve a reward. I wish I was talented in some way; I’d give you a reward if I could. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for reading and seeing me. Know that you can reach out if you need help or are struggling. You are so loved.

All my best,

ZJ (any pronouns)